Texts From Last Night · stevesballs's Favorites

stevesballs's Favorites Texts:

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(775): View more from Nevada

Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

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(830): View more from Texas

I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.

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(309): View more from Illinois

new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(254): View more from Texas

I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30

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(970): View more from Colorado

I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.

(203): View more from Connecticut

That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.

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(940): View more from Texas

I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.

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(512): View more from Texas

We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.

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(561): View more from Florida

The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(585): View more from New York

javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.

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(410): View more from Maryland

you texted me "dude im face"

(301): View more from Maryland

it sounded so right at the time

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.

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(951): View more from California

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

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(541): View more from Oregon

theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.

(870): View more from Arkansas

Birthday success

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(248): View more from Michigan

What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket

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(303): View more from Colorado

Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.

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(831): View more from California

After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"

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(909): View more from California

I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.

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(847): View more from Illinois

It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well for starters, her tits were hairy.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds

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(760): View more from California

I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.

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(954): View more from Florida

You pretty much isn't said it

(404): View more from Georgia

Those words don't go together.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story

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(714): View more from California

Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

(310): View more from California

Fuck you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one

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(660): View more from Missouri

I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....

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(540): View more from Virginia

I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..

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(706): View more from Georgia

I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea

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(979): View more from Texas

A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(941): View more from Florida

Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.

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(530): View more from California

Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

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(716): View more from New York

I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.

(250): View more from British Columbia

Not my cup of tea

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen

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(949): View more from California

'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself

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(949): View more from California

I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.

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(360): View more from Washington

you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands

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(585): View more from New York

My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure

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(720): View more from Colorado

Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.

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(440): View more from Ohio

that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(734): View more from Michigan

Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?

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(618): View more from Illinois

Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.

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(562): View more from California

We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'll bet she douches with gravy.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Looks like I won that one

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob

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(801): View more from Utah

just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(281): View more from Texas

he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."

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(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(602): View more from Arizona

for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(951): View more from California

I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

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(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Want any specific kind of beer?

(623): View more from Arizona

Yeah. Alcohol flavor.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Got it. Anything but Miller.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.

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(914): View more from New York

I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(224): View more from Illinois

She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her vagina should come with caution tape.

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(419): View more from Ohio

She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye

(319): View more from Iowa

Wasn't she moving abroad?

(419): View more from Ohio

Are you really going to debate this?

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(917): View more from New York City

Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(560): View more from

I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

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(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(816): View more from Missouri

normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

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(518): View more from New York

my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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(209): View more from California

he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(812): View more from Indiana

It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.

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(817): View more from Texas

Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation

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(210): View more from Texas

cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah

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(925): View more from California

its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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(443): View more from Maryland

He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.

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(972): View more from Texas

Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(360): View more from Washington

She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.

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(404): View more from Georgia

"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...

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