I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
