Texts From Last Night · bkeg2551's Favorites

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

someone was throwing condoms at us.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

no, they just magically show up around you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(631): View more from New York

Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...

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(305): View more from Florida

We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(469): View more from Texas

Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.

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(561): View more from Florida

Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?

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(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(818): View more from California

I just ran into the couch, vagina first.

(1-818): View more from California

I hope you got dinner out of it

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(410): View more from Maryland

She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish his dick was as long as his hair.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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(985): View more from Louisiana

shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(416): View more from Ontario

If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.

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(406): View more from Montana

So, how was the dinner

(1-406): View more from Montana

Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?

(913): View more from Kansas

Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.

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(313): View more from Michigan

mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!

(1-313): View more from Michigan

it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...

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(207): View more from Maine

saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(907): View more from Alaska

i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(631): View more from New York

we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,

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(434): View more from Virginia

you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

(540): View more from Virginia

son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(586): View more from Michigan

at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(347): View more from New York

alright she left, finally time to fart up the room

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(806): View more from Texas

My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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(406): View more from Montana

We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.

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(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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(909): View more from California

The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

(1-909): View more from California

3?

(909): View more from California

Me, myself and I

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(406): View more from Montana

Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs

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(480): View more from Arizona

I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.

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(925): View more from California

Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends

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(845): View more from New York

my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g

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(510): View more from California

You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(619): View more from California

If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(818): View more from California

I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head

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(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(302): View more from Delaware

you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

he's 29.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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