im having a threesome with these popsicles
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
