I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
