Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
