i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
