well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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