I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
