There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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