barbara walters just said penis...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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