It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Less talking, more tequila
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
