This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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