I'm sorry my penis didn't work
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
