Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
His hands were made for my vagina.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
