the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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