: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
