I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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