Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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