any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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