I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I understand Curling. That high.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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