My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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