You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
