Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
