If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
