Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
