I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
