sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
