New invention idea: vibrating tampons
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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