I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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