this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
