Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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