Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
