I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
