how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
