just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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