I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
