I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
