I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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