Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
