It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
