There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
