I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
