You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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