the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
