my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
