I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
