My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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