you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
