got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
