Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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