I cut my penus on the lid.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
