I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
