I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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