hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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