to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
