did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you win again, gameday.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
