yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
