i think my tv is drunk
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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