I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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